The Amazing Misadventures of This and That

Holy shit, I have a blog! Now watch as I nonchalantly distract you from our glaring absence with wonderfulness.




-Alex

I couldn't make heads or tails of it. Even the impossible side of the coin was offering me no suggestions, and the day that impossibility can't even explain something to me is a day where the universe has given up. All I know is that one minute, I was drinking cat's piss by the pint as the bartender assured me it was some fancy French beer, and the next, I wake up in an abandoned vehicle and I'm Jen.

I know what you're thinking: I just scored a sweet new ride and you are totally jealous of me. Well, don't be, because apparently the previous tenants didn't get the memo and hadn't yet packed their bags and left for a new place. They had, instead, savagely gnawed on me, as raccoons tend to do when you straight-up evict them.

Also the fact that I was Jen was a bit disconcerting, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. I was about to do a little handling myself, until I remembered that I was Jen and that's just plain sick.

I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. I probably won't be believing it after I get done telling this little story. I mean, would you believe it if you saw yourself walking down the street, even though you were clearly sitting at the dining room table and sipping a cup o' joe in your fuzzy wombat slippers? I bet you wouldn't. In fact, I bet a billion bucks you wouldn't.

Just came back to pick up a few things while Jen is out...steal a couple bucks...some food...some porn...you know, the essentials. It's a good thing I did, too, because it seems Jen's Atari has been replaced with some kind of Magic Box! This can only be the workings of black magic, and I think she'll be grateful to know that I've taken the proper measure and dealt with the Magic Box appropriately. I pulled out its heart and immolated it, along with the rest of the body. It is the only way to cleanse it!

Hopefully, now that this foul doppelganger is gone, Jen's Atari will feel safe to come back and chill. We were getting on so well, I would hate for a little setback like a body snatcher to ruin whatever we had going.

Jen, you need not repay me. Just knowing I've done my best to keep you and Adrian Atari safe is enough for me. I will still be out, as I see you haven't cooled down (there are at least ten more holes in the wall that I know I didn't cause this time), so don't wait up all night for me.

Charmingly yours,
Alex

Jen sat on our makeshift couch, arms akimbo, as the picture on the television faded into snow again. She sat and fumed awhile before stomping over and wrestling with the antenna, muttering curses so foul that sailors would blush.

I snuck up behind her as I usually do (sans knife; I only use that when I need to talk "business") and slapped her across the back of the head. "Hey, you gotta help me with something." I dropped a cardboard box at my feet and began rummaging through it.

"Can't you say hello like a normal person?" she groaned as she rubbed her head sorely.