The Amazing Misadventures of This and That

You're probably all asking yourselves: what does "erase the humor" even mean? Aren't you guys trying to be funny? Isn't humor something you'd want to not erase? And to this I say: who do you think you are, poking your nose where it doesn't belong, eh?! All up in our business like you're our girlfriend or something?! (Our collective girlfriend. We are Legion. We are one.)

Well, this is actually something I asked myself. Then I decided that maybe, just maybe, I didn't know the answer, since I didn't come up with it. But what I did decide was infinitely more badass: it was time to do some investigating.

Under the guise of an important meeting, I lured Jen into my elaborate trap. She met me across the table at a Starbucks like a mouse walking into the trap; ignorant, hungry, covered in the diseases of the population. She spoke first--firmly, as if to establish that she was the boss, "Seriously, Alex? You called me here because you think you may have met your doppelganger?"

Oh, you naive fool. "Actually, I've only brought you here to discuss business over a cup of non-sedative-laced coffee."

"And you decided the best way to get me here was with a ludicrous lie?"

"Hey, I do what I gotta do," I replied, rather proud of my own resourcefulness. "Now, please, your coffee is getting cold."

I watched as she brought the cup to her lips; they parted as she threw her head back, when she stopped just before she could take even one sip. "Alex, why are you leaning in so close to me? You can't look down my shirt today, I made sure to dress appropriately."

So she had. "I just want to watch you enjoy it," I smiled. She flinched. "Go on, it's still getting cold."

"I notice you haven't touched your own," she observed, like the giant whore that she is. "Also, mine seems to smell kind of like--"

"--I thought you'd like to try their special. I dunno, it's earthy or something. Hipsters can't get enough of it, so I figured it's either really good, or ironically disgusting. I didn't want to make the gamble, so I gave it to you." Smooth, like warm butter.

"I, er...thank...you?" She held the cup tentatively, a look of doubt growing on her face. I knew it, I laid it on too thick. I had to think of something quickly to cast all suspicion aside.

"I filled your mailbox full of pudding."

"That was you?! I couldn't receive my mail for a week because of you! Do you know how hard it was getting the pudding out of all those little nooks and--"

"Whoa, okay, this is taking way longer than I expected," I said as I removed a hypodermic needle from my briefcase, "it's time for you to take a little nap."

It turns out I should have done a bit more planning, because, evidently, trying to shoot someone up with a powerful sedative in the middle of a crowded building is not a good idea. Within seconds, I was swarmed by all manner of policemen on break, retired Navy Seals, and hipsters, doing something ironic, I'm sure.

Jen met me later at my place (which currently happened to be the county jail) to finish our discussion. "Okay, what's your reasoning this time?"

I sighed an exasperated sigh. The jig was up, I might as well come clean. "I was going to drug you, snoop around your house, and find out the secret meaning behind 'Erase the Humor.' But now I guess it'll just have to remain a mystery."

There was a long moment's pause. She planted her face in her palm several times, looking at me between each movement, and exhaled deeply. "You...okay. Wow. That's the dumbest one yet. You know you could have just asked me, right?"

"No, too easy."

"Yeah, you would complicate something that simple."

"Well, are you going to tell me what it means?"

She leaned in close and covered one side of her face with her hand, so as not to be overheard. That's why she's the man, she knows how it goes down. Don't want anyone else knowing our secret, after all. "Erase the Humor," she began, casting glances around her before continuing, "is just some words I threw together so we could start our blog." She pulled her hand away, stood up, and exclaimed, "and you were stupid enough to get thrown in jail for that."

Stupid, Jen? Stupid like a fox. I was then in possession of the secret, which means I could ruin her whensoever I chose.

Now it's only a matter of time. Time, and lots and lots of blackmail.

-Alex