The Amazing Misadventures of This and That

"Alex." I kept hearing a ringing in my ears that sounded suspiciously like my name. "Alex!" It was a persistent and irritating sound, like a wire sponge humping a window. "Alex!!" Or like a scared wolf stuck inside a car whose alarm wouldn't stop going off.

"ALEX!"

Suddenly I was sideways and I had no idea where I was. "What happened? What year is it? How long was I in cryostasis?!" I looked up from the floor to see Jen's scowling face, and was convinced that's just how her face always looked; frozen in eternal malcontent.

"You weren't in cryostasis, dumbass, but you haven't moved from that spot in three days. You were practically catatonic."

"I have too moved. I had to have peed at least once in three days."

"Yeah, you moved three feet, pissed on the houseplant, then went right back to vegetating on the couch. By the way, the alcohol content in your urine killed the plant, and you will be buying a new one." She pointed to the corner of the room, where the plant laid either dead, or just so drunk it had passed out. I concluded that plants do know how to party, and then realized a logical inconsistency in what Jen had just said.

"Okay, first you say I haven't moved, and now you say I've been hammered the whole time?"

"I think your body just secretes alcohol, which you absorb into your skin to stay constantly drunk."

"It's a defense mechanism, perfected over thousands of years of evolution and hard drinking," I boasted. "Anyway, yeah, sorry 'bout pissing on your plant. You know how I get when I get really into video games."

"Yes, and I still have scars from Fallout 3," she grimaced, rolling up her sleeve and pointing to a scar across her shoulder.

"I told you not to mess with the Tunnel Snakes."

She sighed, but conceded defeat. "What game is it this time?"

I searched feverishly for my fallen DS, and, upon finding it, held it up like a cat shows off its kill. "Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift. Jen, I'm on the last boss, and I need to focus on this right now."

As I made to get back to my valiant struggle against evil, Jen grabbed the DS and winced. "Hold on a second, that's not the final boss. In fact, I think that's the exact opposite of the final boss. You're on the first battle, Alex."

I scoffed loudly and exaggeratedly while I snatched my precious handheld back. "Shows what you know, you dolt. I've spent countless hours grinding, preparing for this battle! Mark my words, it shan't be in vain!"

"No. Really. That's the first battle. It very clearly states that you're level one."


"No, I'm at level one hundred. The level cap. One hundred, Jen. There are two zeroes after--" She took the DS from me, held it in front of my face, and pointed to the corner of the screen. "Level...level one...hundred?"

She slapped me across the face. "You've been stuck on the first boss for three days, and that is all you have done. I haven't seen you eat, I haven't seen you sleep, and I know you sure as hell haven't showered, because you smell like rotten foot. And for what, Alex? For what? You can't even beat the first, easiest tutorial battle! Most games have systems implemented in them that make it impossible to lose the first battle, and yet you somehow defeat the odds! The odds that, logically, shouldn't exist! Because it's impossible!"

There was a long moment of silence as she stood there fuming, and I with a lot to think over. There was only one conclusion I could come to. I sighed (I even made exhaling arm motions so you knew that shit was legit), and calmly stated, "Well, then I guess I've got a lot of work to do. But I really gotta take a leak first, so I'm just gonna-" I plucked the DS from Jen's clenching fingers and scuttled over to the plant.

"This may take a while."

Sorry for not posting!
-Alex