The Amazing Misadventures of This and That

Beginning can be found here

Day 2 (Seriously, does this day ever end?)
The fan boat soared across the water and further into the unknown. Half the time, the old ferryman didn't even seem to be paying attention, but still knew where he was going as though he'd made this trip many times before. 'Okay,' I thought to myself, trying to keep my mind off of the man and his one, staring eye, 'so we're probably going to die. He's obviously taking us back to his murder shack tucked so far into the bayou that no one could hear us scream. There is literally no other logical explanation as to why he is so familiar with this route of travel.'

I figured I might as well try to get some answers out of him before we were savagely dismembered. "Who are you, anyway? And what are you doing out here?"

"Name's Lou, n' ah live out 'ere." He suddenly became hostile and snapped, "zat so hard fer you city folk to unnerstand?" We sat still in quiet shock, further regretting our decision to get on the boat. Suddenly he burst into fits of wheezing and laughter. "Yeh heh heh, Y'all city folk're always so uptaght! Always thinkin' the eccentric ol' man's gun' take ya back to 'is murder shack n' rip yas apart!"

"What? That's preposterous!" I laughed nervously. 'Okay, shit. How did he know that? Maybe that eye of his can let him see into my mind...'

"Your mind's not that hard to read, Alex, you've been brandishing that hunting knife and cowering in the corner since we got on the boat," announced Jen from a peculiar state of half-consciousness. "And your inner monologue has actually been quiet murmuring this whole time."

Lou laughed his strange laugh that sounded like two parts breathing problems and one part excited hyena. "What brings y'all out to these parts, anyway? Don't get many a' yew. 'Course, most a' the city folk I find in 'ere is already dead." He laughed again, each chortle striking a chord somewhere deep in my sanity.

Jen eventually took the initiative to answer the question once she noticed I had been transfixed by his demon eye again. "We're on a road trip. I'm trying to make Alex less of a pussy, you know, one that doesn't need to fill out a time chart to schedule when to brush their teeth."

"Hey, those time charts are the key to success, baby!"

"That's funny, I didn't see you schedule 'succeed' in there anywhere," Jen mocked, receiving a high-five from Lou to cement the "sick burn" status. "I like you, Lou," she continued, "what's your story?"


"Aw, t'ain't much to tell," he replied modestly, keeping his eyes on the path for once. "I run this 'ere fan boat through the bayou, n' if ah fahnd anyone lost, I'm s'pposed to bring 'em to Mama Peg n' keep 'em safe 'til I kin git 'em out of the swamp."

"Mama Peg sounds like a nice woman," I interrupted, mostly due to the joy in learning we weren't going to be murdered.

"She sure nuff is. Brought me back to lahf, she did."

"...she what?"

"Aww, hell, did ah forgit to tell you? Ah'm a zombie." He pulled down his hood and revealed his face, which, for a corpse, was in surprisingly good condition. He was missing an eye, though, and the one he had was like a window into Hell itself, but most of the skin still hung on his face (save for some exposed teeth and skull around his missing eye). "Yeh heh! S'ppose that explains the smell then, huh? Yep, jes' a bag o' bones n' rottin' meat. But before ye go soilin' yerself agin, ah have no innerest in eatin' y'all. Only food I got a taste fer is sweet jambalaya."

I knew that was the right way to describe his voice. "Is...is there anything in this bayou that will want to eat us?"

"Most of it. Not Mama Peg er me, but this swamp 'ere's fulla all kinds a' nasty things. Now that it's gittin' dark, you'll be hearin' 'em." Lou shut off the fan, and the dying hum of the motor made way for the sounds of the bayou coming to life. He opened up a large tackle box he had strapped down to the floor and pulled a lantern from it, which he hung on the front of the boat. "Could one a' y'all kindly laght this fer me? Kinda skittish 'round fahr, ah am," he chuckled.

He extended his ghoulish hand and held out a ghoulish lighter. Alright, it was a Zippo. I took the lighter from him and reached out to the lantern, caught a flame, and lit the wick. Shadows seemed to flee in fear from the light and ran back into the darkness of the trees.

"Keep that fahr goin'," Lou huffed as he pushed the fan boat along with his branch, "it's the only thing what's gonna keep us safe 'til we get to Mama Peg's." I swallowed hard. "Naww, ah'm jes' playin'. Can't see widout it, though."

"I never get tired of this guy!" Jen threw her arm around Lou's shoulder, and the two sang merrily into the night as a lit hut slowly came into view on the horizon line.


To be continued!

-Alex