Saturday, February 20, 2010
Wait...Waaaaaaaaiiiit.
My fingers clacked noisily on the keyboard. I was writing about nonsense, as usual. Things about man-eating gerbils, microwaved ramen, exploding guitars, and the like. Just another usual day. Somewhere, I heard the sounds of Alex's incessant ramblings. It seemed there was another problem with the toilet, but I hardly cared. I was using the sink to pee, anyway.
The screen was starting to move in and out of focus, and I knew I had to stop. I had already spent a solid sixteen hours glued to that seat, and I really, really needed a breather. I stripped my pants off and slid out of the chair, leaving my jeans still firmly adhered. That was the third time that week Alex had put epoxy in my seat. We'd need to have a talk later.
Bones creaking and cracking, I shuffled my way over to our rather decrepit entertainment center. We hadn't had the money to purchase any new, snazzy technology, so all we had was an old television sporting rabbit ears and an Atari system that was only capable of playing Pong. Not exactly anyone's idea of cool. Especially not mine. No, if I had it my way, that Atari would be an N64 and that television would have a remote. Just another two years and we'd be able to afford it. Until that time, I was stuck.
We had three cardboard boxes full of old pornos serving as a couch. I sat myself down on the middle "cushion", and winced when the box collapsed another inch. Oh well. I would pick up another box when the old lady from across the hall dumped one. She usually had a monthly shipment of sugar and flower sent straight to her door, and her baking had delicious aromas fill the air more afternoons than I cared to count. Sadly, I had never beheld her world-famous barbell batter bon-bons. I probably never would.
By then it was late in the evening. Alex was still cursing at the toilet, and soiled water occasionally splashed out into the hall. I sighed a sigh of deep self-loathing and sank into a bout of brooding. I usually did that in my free time. I found it refreshing. That time I decided I would brood about that dog downstairs, which kept me up most of the previous night with yelps of pleasure as it humped that poor refrigerator yet again. Hell, who was I kidding? I would have done that fridge if I had the chance. It had wonderful legs.
I was brought out of my reverie when something soft and wet landed on my hand with a loud splat. I leapt to my feet in surprise and waved my hand around in an attempt to dislodge what could only have been a big, ugly, nasty, leech. I could have sworn I felt teeth beginning to burrow into my skin, too. Too bad it just turned out to be a filthy paper towel. My attention snapped to the individual that was standing in the doorway instead.
"I found your birthday gift." Alex was covered in filth. It wasn't dirt, either. Or that slime they used at Nickelodeon. It was honest to goodness filth. I couldn't even comprehend that all of that crap could have been in the toilet, either. I then fancied an image of the blogger accepting shit donations from the neighbors. It was nasty, so I thought about strangling Alex instead. That made me feel better.
"Look," s/he whispered as s/he extended a waterlogged hand, "I got it months ago, but I didn't know where to put it to keep you from finding it. So I shoved it in the toilet."
I peered suspiciously at the mystery object. It was obvious then that the 'gift' had been the cause of our toilet's chronic upset, but I was too tired to even bring up that point. Instead I used a nearby towel to accept Alex's offering. I studied it for a moment, trying to wipe some of the grime off the surface to get a better look. I could see Alex shifting from foot to foot in nervous anticipation out of the corner of my eye, so I hurried my attempts and let out a delighted gasp when I discovered what it was.
"It's Kirk's head from that Star Trek Pez dispenser collector's set. I had the whole thing, but I think it broke last month when I had that huge Mexican meal for dinner. You know..."
"Yeah, I know." It couldn't be helped. I cracked a big, wide grin. "And thanks. This is the best birthday gift I've had in a long, long time. It's going right next to Grumpy Bear's torso on my nightstand."
"Happy Birthday, Jen!" Alex moved in for a hug, but I politely declined.
The screen was starting to move in and out of focus, and I knew I had to stop. I had already spent a solid sixteen hours glued to that seat, and I really, really needed a breather. I stripped my pants off and slid out of the chair, leaving my jeans still firmly adhered. That was the third time that week Alex had put epoxy in my seat. We'd need to have a talk later.
Bones creaking and cracking, I shuffled my way over to our rather decrepit entertainment center. We hadn't had the money to purchase any new, snazzy technology, so all we had was an old television sporting rabbit ears and an Atari system that was only capable of playing Pong. Not exactly anyone's idea of cool. Especially not mine. No, if I had it my way, that Atari would be an N64 and that television would have a remote. Just another two years and we'd be able to afford it. Until that time, I was stuck.
We had three cardboard boxes full of old pornos serving as a couch. I sat myself down on the middle "cushion", and winced when the box collapsed another inch. Oh well. I would pick up another box when the old lady from across the hall dumped one. She usually had a monthly shipment of sugar and flower sent straight to her door, and her baking had delicious aromas fill the air more afternoons than I cared to count. Sadly, I had never beheld her world-famous barbell batter bon-bons. I probably never would.
By then it was late in the evening. Alex was still cursing at the toilet, and soiled water occasionally splashed out into the hall. I sighed a sigh of deep self-loathing and sank into a bout of brooding. I usually did that in my free time. I found it refreshing. That time I decided I would brood about that dog downstairs, which kept me up most of the previous night with yelps of pleasure as it humped that poor refrigerator yet again. Hell, who was I kidding? I would have done that fridge if I had the chance. It had wonderful legs.
I was brought out of my reverie when something soft and wet landed on my hand with a loud splat. I leapt to my feet in surprise and waved my hand around in an attempt to dislodge what could only have been a big, ugly, nasty, leech. I could have sworn I felt teeth beginning to burrow into my skin, too. Too bad it just turned out to be a filthy paper towel. My attention snapped to the individual that was standing in the doorway instead.
"I found your birthday gift." Alex was covered in filth. It wasn't dirt, either. Or that slime they used at Nickelodeon. It was honest to goodness filth. I couldn't even comprehend that all of that crap could have been in the toilet, either. I then fancied an image of the blogger accepting shit donations from the neighbors. It was nasty, so I thought about strangling Alex instead. That made me feel better.
"Look," s/he whispered as s/he extended a waterlogged hand, "I got it months ago, but I didn't know where to put it to keep you from finding it. So I shoved it in the toilet."
I peered suspiciously at the mystery object. It was obvious then that the 'gift' had been the cause of our toilet's chronic upset, but I was too tired to even bring up that point. Instead I used a nearby towel to accept Alex's offering. I studied it for a moment, trying to wipe some of the grime off the surface to get a better look. I could see Alex shifting from foot to foot in nervous anticipation out of the corner of my eye, so I hurried my attempts and let out a delighted gasp when I discovered what it was.
"It's Kirk's head from that Star Trek Pez dispenser collector's set. I had the whole thing, but I think it broke last month when I had that huge Mexican meal for dinner. You know..."
"Yeah, I know." It couldn't be helped. I cracked a big, wide grin. "And thanks. This is the best birthday gift I've had in a long, long time. It's going right next to Grumpy Bear's torso on my nightstand."
"Happy Birthday, Jen!" Alex moved in for a hug, but I politely declined.
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