Monday, March 1, 2010
For the Betterment of Mankind; For the Future of our Children
Jen sat on our makeshift couch, arms akimbo, as the picture on the television faded into snow again. She sat and fumed awhile before stomping over and wrestling with the antenna, muttering curses so foul that sailors would blush.
I snuck up behind her as I usually do (sans knife; I only use that when I need to talk "business") and slapped her across the back of the head. "Hey, you gotta help me with something." I dropped a cardboard box at my feet and began rummaging through it.
"Can't you say hello like a normal person?" she groaned as she rubbed her head sorely.
"That is how my people greet one another."
"Your people? What people!?"
"Jen, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't insult my culture when I'm trying to ask for advice." From the bottom of the box I produced a tattered notebook and thumbed past several nude drawings before forcing it into Jen's hands. "I'm writing a children's story, and I would really appreciate some feedback."
The page I had flipped to featured the title "Alex and the Stolen Car," as well as many crude drawings of myself and pretty ladies being bench pressed by muscular dudes. Jen already seemed displeased. "Well, go on, read it!" I said, brimming with anticipation.
She sighed. "Alex and the Stolen Car, by Alex--" she paused, cast a strange glance in my direction, and continued, "...Alex Bloodfist."
I clapped like a happy child. "Go on, then! Let's hear it!"
"These two pages seem to be taped together," she observed, trying to slide her fingernail between the gap to pull the pages apart.
"THAT, NO." I quickly turned the page for her and thrust the book back into her face. "That's...that's just the prologue. You don't need to read that."
She glanced over the back of the page at the faint outline of the contents of the prologue. Her face twisted into an expression of both extreme disgust and morbid curiosity, but in the end she decided not to pursue it. "...Right, um...Alex and the Stolen Car.
"Once upon a time, there was a cool kid named Alex. Alex was the most popular kid in school, and everyone was Alex's friend. Alex had so many friends, that sometimes the old ones would have to be...eliminated..." She looked up from her reading again. "I don't think that's really kid's book material, or...suitable for any kind of decent reading."
"No, no, keep reading it, it gets better."
"I highly doubt that." But she continued nonetheless. "Alex had one dumb friend named Jen, who smelled like old beans marinating inside of a corpse." Jen began scowling so hard she nearly slurred her speech. "Really, Alex? Really?"
"Well, I don't want to sugarcoat the details. I want these kids to get the facts! Do you know what happens when you baby them, Jen? Well, I guess you would know," I leered. "You know, you're really bad at reading stories. Finish it up!"
She started with her profane muttering again and turned the page. "Jen smelled bad and looked like something that crawled out of a swamp, but one thing Jen did have going for her was a car. Alex wasn't allowed to have a car because of something called a 'DUI,' so Alex was very jealous of Jen's car.
"Every day, Alex would ask nicely, 'Jen, will you let me borrow your car? I promise to take super good care of it!' and Jen would always yell, 'YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF EXCREMENT, TAKE YOUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE!' This would hurt Alex's feelings, but Alex didn't have any of those!
"One day, Alex decided to use Jen's car without asking. The police report called it 'grand theft auto,' but Alex just called it borrowing! Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe! Anyway, when Jen was sleeping, Alex borrowed her car keys and went for a joy ride." I noticed Jen began patting her jean pockets frantically, as though searching for something, but I couldn't for the life of me guess what.
Her eyes seemed to bulge when she came up empty-handed. "...Alex? Where are my--"
"Jen, come on! This is really important! I want to know what you think!" I tried my hardest to look sad, but the look she was giving me said she would have none of it. Instead, I pulled back my jacket and motioned to my holstered revolver. She seemed to comprehend.
"...Alex drove all over town in Jen's car. To the mall, to the fast food place with the convicted felon working the drive-thru, to the adult bookstore and back again! Unfortunately, Alex had had a little too much to drink that night and really needed to pee. Alex was also driving on the wrong side of the road and largely on the sidewalk, and that upset the police! They turned on their sirens and gave chase!
"'You'll never catch me, coppers!' yelled Alex as the car drove straight into a light post, sending the poor soul careening through the windshield. Face full of glass and blood full of vodka, Alex hoofed it into the woods and fell into a small lake of corrosive factory waste. Giving up the felon for dead, the police walked back to the road to call for someone to come get the body and impound the car.
"Alex didn't know what to tell Jen! Jen would be so mad that she'd punch Alex's stomach so hard, it would throw itself up. Alex did the only reasonable thing and wrote a children's story documenting the details of the accident and handed it to Jen. Whilst Jen read the story aloud, Alex crept through the window and ran for dear life. The end."
And sure enough I had, and by the time she noticed I was missing, I had already shimmied my way down the fire escape and was running for my life. I regret not sticking around to hear what she thought about it, though, because I really do think it would make for a great cautionary tale. Maybe after Jen punches my face off and I get it surgically reattached, she'll be in more of a sharing kind of mood.
-Alex
I snuck up behind her as I usually do (sans knife; I only use that when I need to talk "business") and slapped her across the back of the head. "Hey, you gotta help me with something." I dropped a cardboard box at my feet and began rummaging through it.
"Can't you say hello like a normal person?" she groaned as she rubbed her head sorely.
"That is how my people greet one another."
"Your people? What people!?"
"Jen, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't insult my culture when I'm trying to ask for advice." From the bottom of the box I produced a tattered notebook and thumbed past several nude drawings before forcing it into Jen's hands. "I'm writing a children's story, and I would really appreciate some feedback."
The page I had flipped to featured the title "Alex and the Stolen Car," as well as many crude drawings of myself and pretty ladies being bench pressed by muscular dudes. Jen already seemed displeased. "Well, go on, read it!" I said, brimming with anticipation.
She sighed. "Alex and the Stolen Car, by Alex--" she paused, cast a strange glance in my direction, and continued, "...Alex Bloodfist."
I clapped like a happy child. "Go on, then! Let's hear it!"
"These two pages seem to be taped together," she observed, trying to slide her fingernail between the gap to pull the pages apart.
"THAT, NO." I quickly turned the page for her and thrust the book back into her face. "That's...that's just the prologue. You don't need to read that."
She glanced over the back of the page at the faint outline of the contents of the prologue. Her face twisted into an expression of both extreme disgust and morbid curiosity, but in the end she decided not to pursue it. "...Right, um...Alex and the Stolen Car.
"Once upon a time, there was a cool kid named Alex. Alex was the most popular kid in school, and everyone was Alex's friend. Alex had so many friends, that sometimes the old ones would have to be...eliminated..." She looked up from her reading again. "I don't think that's really kid's book material, or...suitable for any kind of decent reading."
"No, no, keep reading it, it gets better."
"I highly doubt that." But she continued nonetheless. "Alex had one dumb friend named Jen, who smelled like old beans marinating inside of a corpse." Jen began scowling so hard she nearly slurred her speech. "Really, Alex? Really?"
"Well, I don't want to sugarcoat the details. I want these kids to get the facts! Do you know what happens when you baby them, Jen? Well, I guess you would know," I leered. "You know, you're really bad at reading stories. Finish it up!"
She started with her profane muttering again and turned the page. "Jen smelled bad and looked like something that crawled out of a swamp, but one thing Jen did have going for her was a car. Alex wasn't allowed to have a car because of something called a 'DUI,' so Alex was very jealous of Jen's car.
"Every day, Alex would ask nicely, 'Jen, will you let me borrow your car? I promise to take super good care of it!' and Jen would always yell, 'YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF EXCREMENT, TAKE YOUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE!' This would hurt Alex's feelings, but Alex didn't have any of those!
"One day, Alex decided to use Jen's car without asking. The police report called it 'grand theft auto,' but Alex just called it borrowing! Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe! Anyway, when Jen was sleeping, Alex borrowed her car keys and went for a joy ride." I noticed Jen began patting her jean pockets frantically, as though searching for something, but I couldn't for the life of me guess what.
Her eyes seemed to bulge when she came up empty-handed. "...Alex? Where are my--"
"Jen, come on! This is really important! I want to know what you think!" I tried my hardest to look sad, but the look she was giving me said she would have none of it. Instead, I pulled back my jacket and motioned to my holstered revolver. She seemed to comprehend.
"...Alex drove all over town in Jen's car. To the mall, to the fast food place with the convicted felon working the drive-thru, to the adult bookstore and back again! Unfortunately, Alex had had a little too much to drink that night and really needed to pee. Alex was also driving on the wrong side of the road and largely on the sidewalk, and that upset the police! They turned on their sirens and gave chase!
"'You'll never catch me, coppers!' yelled Alex as the car drove straight into a light post, sending the poor soul careening through the windshield. Face full of glass and blood full of vodka, Alex hoofed it into the woods and fell into a small lake of corrosive factory waste. Giving up the felon for dead, the police walked back to the road to call for someone to come get the body and impound the car.
"Alex didn't know what to tell Jen! Jen would be so mad that she'd punch Alex's stomach so hard, it would throw itself up. Alex did the only reasonable thing and wrote a children's story documenting the details of the accident and handed it to Jen. Whilst Jen read the story aloud, Alex crept through the window and ran for dear life. The end."
And sure enough I had, and by the time she noticed I was missing, I had already shimmied my way down the fire escape and was running for my life. I regret not sticking around to hear what she thought about it, though, because I really do think it would make for a great cautionary tale. Maybe after Jen punches my face off and I get it surgically reattached, she'll be in more of a sharing kind of mood.
-Alex
Labels:
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
YOU EFFIN' BITCH, I HAD TO PAY A MONTH'S SALARY TO GET THAT CAR BACK FROM THE COUNTY, PLUS THREE MONTHS' MORE FOR THE REPAIRS. DON'T YOU COME BACK. I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DO.
Post a Comment